Saturday, July 25, 2015

FREE AFTER 25 YEARS




25 years !  25 years of emotional abuse. 25 years of physical abuse. 25 years of living with fear. 25 years of living in a cage without bars.

For the last 25 years my friend has been in an abusive marriage. Throughout her marriage she has been punched, pushed, shoved, bruised, beaten, and threatened repeatedly by her husband.
Imagine being in a life-long contractual agreement that bonds your heart, emotions, body, soul, children, time, and dreams with someone who strikes fear in you through bodily harm, emotional damage, and continuous embarrassment.  This was my friend’s marriage. 

On the outside many people would never believe this beautiful family specialist, with a master’s degree is the subject of the same abuse she tries to rescue her client’s from.  Imagine the moments of embarrassment, self-questioning, and hypocrisy she deals with as she listens to her clients describe their nightmares that sound just like hers.  From President Clinton to President Obama, from cassette tapes, to CD to IPODs, from tube televisions to flat screens, from Michael Jordan and the Bulls winning the championship to Usain Bolt breaking the world record in track, from the first Iraq war to Afghanistan, from 9/11 to Hurricane Katrina …through all those changes in technology, news events, and sports highlights my friend was being abused by her husband.
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My friend received the blows and impact of the assaults but the pain and trauma was disbursed throughout the home and to others.  Her three sons observed it all. Male children exposed to severe domestic abuse are indirectly taught that they are powerless at defending the most important female in their life. They are indirectly instructed to stand by and remain neutral while their abused parent is suffering, hurting, and pleading for assistance. Overtime these young men may believe the best way to impose their will on others especially women is through physical force. When you take a wide lens view of my friends situation you realize you have 4 victims instead of just one.

  Day after day, month after month, year after year my friend desperately wanted to escape not only for herself but for her sons.
Image result for abusive husbandWhen you strike fear in the heart of a person, control them mentally, impose your will on them over a period of time it changes their natural instinct to explore, speak freely, and express themselves as an individual. They begin living a life where they feel trapped and jailed mentally.  When given the opportunity to free themselves they will not.  Through fear, threats, and force the oppressor is able to close the shades of hope in the abused person's mind.  This diminishes their belief that things will change; and therefore they give up taking action that may change their situation.
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Over the many years of taking punches, covering her bruises with make-up, hiding her fear and pain to family and friends, and trying desperately to hide her pain to her sons and grandchildren my friend has maintained hope. On many occasions she stated she would leave but never did successfully.

A tipping point occurred in my friends life and on the first Wednesday of July 2015 she moved out of her home, left her husband of 25 years and got a place of her own.  Yes, she feared her husband would retaliate. Yes, her heart would miss the good things about her abusive husband of 25 years.  Yes, she would miss her beautiful house she helped decorate. Yes, people unaware of her years of pain would be curious as to why she left her husband of 20 plus years. Despite these things she left. She left the comfort zone of an uncomfortable life where she knew how things would play out to pursue an independent life of potential freedom and happiness where she’s not sure how things will unfold.


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Your success zone requires you to step out of your current comfort zone. Making a move to your success zone requires you to focus more on your WHY and less on your fears, potential speed bumps, road blocks, and pot holes on your journey.

My friend is scared, unsure of how everything will play out, and still emotionally tied to the life she had. However, she is on her way to the life she has dreamed about.
Be on your way.  Be more afraid of staying than moving forward.

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Don’t find a way to stay. Find a way to move forward to your freedom and happiness. You were born to pursue your purpose in life and be happy, not to be punished for existing.
To every person suffering in an abusive relationship please draw strength from my friend's story, and know that hope is alive.
Don’t find an excuse. Find a way to claim the life you were born to have.